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| She doesn't understand me. She never will. When I opened up to her, she thumbed her nose at me. When I tried to explain how deeply I had been hurt, she rode it off as mostly my fault. When she said "I hope things can change now," she meant that hopefully I would change. She doesn't understand me and she never will. And because of that, nothing will ever change...
I have the overwhelming urge to slit my wrists right now. For some reason, unknown to me, I felt the need to open up, I felt honest and I told the truth. I explained how much I had been hurt, how sensitive I am deep down, how my "tough" thing is just for cover...And at first she laughed, then she apologized, and finally she basically said it was my fault, that I didn't understand the situation and I was selfish. When I told her children can't be expected to be unselfish, it is the way they are until they are older, she told me to grow up. I am grown up. I was trying to talk about the past, show her some of the deep, eternal wounds she inflicted on me.
But she won't see. She won't ever understand or even really care. She's too selfish. And that won't ever change because she won't admit it; she doesn't even realize it herself, so how can she accept it?
I give up. I quit. From now on, this relationship will be completely fake. I will pretend everything is healed, everything's A-OK here! It will never be ok, but she doesn't have the capacity to change. I'm sure she still thinks I am overreacting. Maybe, but the reality is I am still deeply hurt. I will never recover and she doesn't understand. She never will.
I think for a long time I expected her to change, or at least realize what she is, what she has done to all of us. After tonight's conversation, after my complete honesty and openness, after putting myself on the line to tell it how it is, I realize that was idealistic. And she wonders why I am cynical and bitter? People like her. She doesn't love me. Any love she has is purely selfish. She wants to show me off, say "Look what I raised, look what I can produce!" I'm not a person to her, I am a way to get attention. I don't really have feelings, I am just her perfect little girl.
I was never that girl. I was good at everything she wanted me to be good at...except for religion. I was never godly enough for her. So I quit. I don't want to be like her. Our relationship from now on will be what she wants it to be. I will pretend to care, smile that stupid fake grin she believed for so many years, and it will be ok...Then I will come back to my room, cry or cut myself or find another way to let out my anger and disappointment...And she won't ever know.
It is at times like these that I wonder why I bother to exist. Life is so pointless, isn't it? Meaningless, all ending the same way. It's unavoidable, and it honestly doesn't matter what you do while you live...Everyone just ends up dead, whether you were homeless or you discovered the cure to cancer. It ultimately doesn't matter.
I think I am far too young to be so jaded and cynical. And yet, I am what I am. And I just don't care anymore. | | |
| Yeah, so I haven't written in here since I started a Xanga...But that's
okay. I am doing all right...I was feeling rather sick earlier, but not
so much anymore...Which is good, although now I am once again
procrastinating instead of doing the homework that I should really do
for tomorrow...*sigh* Whatever. Doesn't matter, I guess...
Well, I can't think of much else to say, so I will just leave it at that. Enthralling, I know.
Good night.
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| Xanga
This is my first time
using Xanga...We shall see how it works. Read my info if you want to
know anything else about me. I have to get some sleep, so I shall write
later.
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